Oq ex girl friend called him, and she want him back.
God, why everytime the challange is coming out, i always want to give up.
I don't mean i want to leave him.
I love him and i need him a lot, God ... please help me to always be trusting him.
I love him .... I do really Love HIM.

Thanks God for everything you gave to me.
I feel bless have him with me now.
I know, this only the beggining, the real journey hasn't started yet.
God ... please guide me ....

Love You God. Amin

God, you really answer my prayer.
I loveyou God.

Please take all of my worry ....

I went to the church yeseterday with his uncle, brother's and sister's.
after that we went to the hostipal to visit his sister daugther, and I cooked at his brother's house.
I kind of unconfortable, because his aunty was standing right behind me and watch me how I do the cook.
but everything goes ok. Thanks God for everything you show it to me.
Your bless is so amazing. Thanks God.

Amin.

My heart is beatting hard.
the time is so slow.
I miss him a lot. everything seems endless.
it 8.00 Pm now, it's 1 more hour, but i just can't wait to see him.
I really miss him.
I'm in the class now.
I just want this class finish ....

oh God .... what shoud I do?

He bought me a lot of vitamin today.
God, he is so kind to me. I don't know how long this is gonna be.
Day after day, i love him more and more.
I never meet people like him before.
He is too perfect for me. I don't know what should I do ...
I really don't know ...

I cook "Kacang Panjang" and sekba for him today.
I don't know what I'm feeling, I cook with love .. because I really love him ...
I do really love him a lot.

Thanks God for him. I know, you answer my prayer in different way.
But you give me the best thing.
Thanks God for everything that you gave it to me.

Thanks God.
Amin.

I'm sick. A little fever, cough, and sore throat.
yesterday is the worse, it's better now.
I hope i can get this sick over.

God, please help me to always remember you, I don't want make twice mistake.
I love him and i don't want to lose him again.
I love him ....

Today ... something different has changed my life.
I'm with him now. I was really surprised what he did to me. and I didn't even can reject him.
I love him, but I don't know why. I need him, I will be nothing without him.

God, I'm sorry what i have done yesterday night.
God, i don't want to make things wrong twice.
God, ... thanks for everything ....


I'm with him now. Oki.

Yesterday, I help him to clean his house because his uncle will come to visit his daughter on having a baby.
day afterday i become closer and closer to him.
Something inside him is really attract me. not because of his face or his money.

He kissed my head yesterday. I was surprised but I act like nothing happen.
I'm really tired ... but I'm really happy.
Thanks God for everything you gave it to me.

Thanks for the answer on everything.
I know, waiting is not easy.
and I still waiting for a lot of thing to be answered.

But I believe in You. One day you will show your way, not my way. =)
thanks God.
Amin.

I went to His Relatives birthday, thanks God I can adapt easly.
From the birthday party, we went to the church and ate dinner at draft tofu.
God, day after day i become closer to him.
I don't know if he is the one.

I don't know if i can pass to all of this.
I have to much pass history.
I don't know what should I do ... ... ...

Tuhan ... aku nda tau apa yg aku lakukan hari ini.
Kenapa perasaan ku tak enak?
dia sungguh tak dapat ku duga.
apa tadi gara2 dia melihat ku bicara pake msn?

sudahlah ... aku pun tak ingin mengharapkan yang terlalu berlebih ...
setidaknya aku pernah merasakan saat aku di bantu orang ...
ku hanya menyerahkan semuanya padamu =)

Today, I went to Oki's brother baby shower.
That was the first time I met someone else family. The whole of his family.
first, i kind of a little "kaku" .. but .. i don't want to look very shy, i can adapt easly ...
fuih ... thanks i found Tika (my school mate at unpar 93).

Thanks God, for everything you show to me.
Thanks for everything.

Amin.

I'm tired.
really tired.
We ate rendang and kangkung blacam.

Yesterday, I didn't know what was going on with me.
day by day, my heart floating ...

I cooked for him. Kangkung Cha and steam ground meat.
He is too kind to me. and I don't know how to thank You God.
You send me him and I don't even know is he the one?
God ... I have to much weakness and I don't want to disspointed him.
God ... please forgive my past. I don't want to fall again into my weakness.

Give me a strength and pation.
I belive in you.
Amin

I am in the class now. Material and texturing class. and I don't know why, I kind of miss him.
and i open his song on the website. and it calm me down ku .....

Today I make a surprised birthday party for andrew.
Thanks God for every successfulity. I can't make all this thing happen without your bless.
I don't know what will be happen without You.

God, please gimme a patient.
I don't want to easy get jealous with people.
Please ..........................................

Thanks for a great day that i had today.
thanks God. =)

Today, I will go to church with Oki, Lia, Ivana and Bejo.
God, please guide me to your home.
Give me a patient.

I don't know what will happen today.
Yesterday, I can't sleep well. I went to bed at 2 o'clock, but I can't close my eyes untill 3 o'clock.
Today is supposed a beautiful day, but my eyes is realy tired.

It almost 10.30. I haven't heard anything from Oki.
He might be on the way.

It's been a long time since I dressed up.

Aku tidak memperoleh apa yang kuminta,
Tetapi memperoleh segala seusatu yang ku harapkan,

Meskipun permintaanku tidak dikabulkan,
Tetapi doa-doaku terjawab

Allah selalu memberi yang terbaik bagi kita.

Kita dapat meminta sesuatu yang salah kepada Allah,
Tetapi Allah selalu memberikan jawaban yang benar.

Terima kasih Tuhan untuk hari yang indah ini.
Amin

Hari terus berlalu. Banyak hal baru yang ku alami.
Semenjak aku bertemu kembali dengan oq, aku menyadari banyak hal.
Hal hal kejujuran, perasaan tulus, berteman, terbuka dan masih banyak hal lainnya.
Ku baru sadar, semenjak aku berkenalan dengan via, aku lebih tertutup, dan pola pikir ku banyak terpengaruh dengan dia.
Dia ingin terlihat perfect di depan semua orang, dan dia menutupi banyak kebenaran yg ada di dalam dirinya.
Aku tak ingin terpengaruh oleh kebohongan2 yang dia suka buat. Aku adalah aku, yang penuh dengan kekurangan.
Aku tak perlu untuk menjadi seorang yang perfect. Aku cukup dengan apa ada nya yg sekarang ini.

Bukan, bukan berarti aku menjauh darimu. Tapi ku rasakan, bahwa engkau tidak pernah menghargai suatu kejujuran dan pemberian.
Sudah lah ... aku pun tak ingin mengambil jauh langkah dari yang sekarang ini.
Apa yang ada, ku jalani sekarang.

Hari hari ini rasanya, semakin banyak hal yang berubah dalam hidupku. Tanpa ku tahu, apa yang terjadi sebenarnya.
Ku hanya merasakan, hari yang dahulu kosong tak berarti, kini ku lebih menghargai jam-jamku.
Mungkin, dulu aku masih terpaut dengan masa lalu, dengan kenangan yang pernah hadir di bawah alam sadarku.

Seperti hari ini, aku hanya menunggu kedatangan seorang temanku, Tapi ... rasanya menunggu bukanlah waktu yang sebentar.
Tak peduli siapakah orang itu, dan apa hubungannya dengan diriku, hanya ku semakin menyadari, bahwa aku membutuhkan teman.
Dahulu, saat ku lebih suka menyendiri rasanya perasaan itu kini telah berganti.
Sesuatu yang di lakukan bersama-sama sesungguhnya lebih berarti.
Bukan, bukan berarti aku ingin merubah kepribadianku.

Mungkin karena diriku yang semakin tua dan ...
Argh ... , rasanya tubuh ini memang semakin tua
bisa kurasakan lelah yang mudah menyerang pikiranku
Tapi, ku tak ingin rasanya menjadi tua
ku ingin seperti dahulu, saat ku masih menggunakan seragam abu-abu
saat ku bisa tertawa lepas, saat ku masih kuat tuk berlari 8 keliling GOR.

tanganku juga rasanya, semakin banyak kerutannya.

hemm... tak akan ada akhirnya jika kita terus flashback ke belakang.
terlalu banyak memori yang terjadi dalam perjalanan hidupku,
dan aku mensyukurinya ....
Kini ku hanya ingin meneruskan perjalananku, dan membuatnya lebih baik lagi ...

terimakasih Tuhan,
Amin

Matahari pagi telah terbangun di ufuk timur
dan ku masih berkutat dengan computer baruku
Sepi rasanya pagi ini.

Udara pagi berhembus memasuki kamarku
Lantunan musik bragi menemani pagi ini
beribu pertanyaan menyerang kesadaranku

Apa yang ku pikirkan?
terlalu banyak hal-hal yang datang dan berlalu
Hari kemaren berbeda dengan hari ini

Kesetiap hari ku kini mencoba untuk berjuang,
melatih ketrampilanku
entah apa yang akan kudapati di akhir

aku tetap mencoba
tetap ...
akan ku coba ....

malam

Terkadang, aku salut dengan orang-orang yang dapat mengekspresikan dirinya dengan bebas.
Aku tahu, kalau diriku terkadang terlalu terpaku dengan batas2.
Aku sungguh tak dapat berekspresi secara bebas. Apakah ini semua karena masa laluku?
Yah, mungkin saat aku kecil, aku di gembleng keras, banyak peraturan yang harus ku turuti,
mungkin trauma masa kecilku menurun hingga ke sifat aku dalam berekspresi.

Terkadang, aku salut dengan orang2 yang dapat break the rule, dan menciptakan suatu kreasi yang baru.
Entah, aku tak bisa sperti itu.
yah, aku bukan seorang yang pintar ... aku hanya seorang yang bodoh yang berusaha menjadi pintar
sudahlah .. pusing ... ... ....

Today, let's talking about Hen.
I just found out that he is not a honest guy. He has a lot of secret on his life. He is really unpredictable mind.
Lately,I found out a lot of thing. Last time, he ever said that Yuliana tk, is his ex girlfriend who is not.
He just make upt that story because He is afraid hurt my feeling.
He keeps the secret about me to Amy, and He also keep the secret about nathan to me and amy.
He lie a lot of thing even with his mother.
Thanks God, i found out all this thing before everything goes further.

and about via,
I have a different story every single day.
I don't want to judge her, she is my best friend here.
What ever she did, I got hurt so many time because of her.
She also have a lot of thing to keep away from people. Her life is too much fake.
yeah, fake ...
why you never act naturally? Probably because when you was a little, you did everything on your own.
and now, you always pretend that you are always right.

too much story about your fake. I'm tired ... too much fake.
but you still my best friend here.

Dear God,
Everyday, I learn something new. and today, I've learned why You send me here.
I met a great sister. She teach me a lot. She has a pure heart. She might be a person who can't make up her mind,
but I really admire her.

about my life, I really want to stay in here, get a job and life together with them, but who knows,
only God knows. I can't force God to do what I want to do, I know You work on misterious way,
and I will not complain it. I will follow all of your way.

But, before I forget, I want to thanks to You for a wonderful experience that I had in my life.
I love my journey, and I never regret on everything that had happen to me.
Everything has a meaning ....

thank God ... Thank you ...

Amin

Yesterday, i just found out something about via.
I spend the night at her place, i though she will like it but I was wrong.
She is totally distracted by me. I didn't know what she was actually saying to her sister,
but I saw her writting, even she tried to cross it out but I still can read it.
She was writting " Nginep, ganggu". I always know if she doesn't like something that I did to her,
but I always pretend that we all are a human being, sometime we don't feel comfortable with what other's do.

I don't know what should I do know. Her sister is in here now, She doesn't need me anymore.
She can survive without me ...
I think, i have to step back from all her life ...
I have to try everything by myself, only me, and if one day I failed, I won't regret,
because I do everything on my own.

...
I don't believe in friendship.

Right or wrong can be exsist when there are at least 3 person gathering

Thanks God, I've learned a lot today.
Today, I hang out with via's family the whole day and i had a great lesson.
I know I might be jealous with her family especially with her dad,
but ... I've learned that You are exist and you have been showing me that I am nothing without You.

I this world, we have to learn everyday, not because we are stupid or smart
but because we have not enough by only watching and learning ourself,
we have to see outside of the world, watch and learn the good thing,
don't try to push yourself to hard, it might hurt you someday,

try as much as you can, if you still can reach on that way,
than it might is not your way, realise quickly and wake up as fast as you can
because God always be with you ....

Yes, I believe in You
no matter what or how life i have been trough
but I know somehow, God is watching me
and He never put us down.

Amin

in this world there are a lot of different type of human being,
somepeople don't even care about what is the pride of being right
somepeople feel they are really great, "fight with me, if you dare"
somepeople think is it proud by hidding behind the stronger people and taking advantage of him
somepoeple afraid of being loose
and somepoeple too slumpy ...

too much type of people ...

Sometimes we don't even know where are we going
Chasing the shadow, follow the wind
Finding the destiny trough the sadness and sorrow
and we are not the same anymore

although, ...
We breath the same air
We see the same sun
we live in the same earth
But we are different

...

I'm different.

Don't try to live so wise
Don't cry cause you're so right,
Don't dry with fakes or fears
cause you'll hate yourself in the end ...

Today, i had a bad dream.
It's about via. on my dream, she looks like a depress person and searching for help to reduce her stress.
And one day, she find the person who can make her fell better. And without realise on the out side of world,
she fall into this Theraphy. I was worry about her, because their never tell us what they are gonna do with her.
I try to find out either this theraphy is good or just want to take some advantage from her.
She seems doesn't care about my worry, and when she finds out that I am involved on the investigation,
she doesn't even care on everything. She even try to hurt me.
But I am a taugh girl, i still keep trying , untill one day i look very tired and the theraphy person want to send me home,
but I said "I'm alright, don't worry about me" and they kind of pity for me, finally they don't keep a secret about their therapy,
They speaks up to me about everything,
after i found out everything is alright for her, and i go home ...

This dream make me fell really tired today.
The whole of my body is pain. don't know why ...
I don't even know what is the meaning of this dream.

...

Hari ini, Aku barbeque on top roof livia's apartment. Her family all comes here.
I am so jealous with her. I've never had a such wonderful day together.
Her father's is so kind and her mother is really care about everthing.
I am speechless. I'm jealous =(

Hari ini, I've learned a lot of thing.
Via's family is coming here, gathering together with all of her family.
sometimes, i'm wondering why I've never had that such a warm family? :(
and today, i heard the tape from via's sister ex bf. He looks really religious, everything he starts with prayer and end up with prayer.
Never blame God on everthing that has happened to him, not like me which always blame to God when everything went wrong. :(
God,I've learned a lot ....
thanks God for everything :)


Good Night, God :)

Ingin rasanya ku tulis semua lembaran orang2 yang pernah ku lalui :

1. W, Pria pertama yang pernah kucintai. Saat itu aku duduk di kelas 6 SD. Entah, apa ini yang di sebut cinta atau hanya seorang anak SD yang ingin mempunyai penggemar :). Entah, sekarang dia ada dimana, terakhir ku bertemu saat ku memetik bunga di pekarangan tetangga, dan dia ada disana. Aku dan dia lost contact saat kita SMP. Aku masuk SMPK-6 BPK, sedang dia SMPK Trimulia.
2. S, Pria yang tidak pernah kudapatkan, saat aku duduk di bangku SMP aku suka dia, tapi entah mengapa aku bisa suka dengan dia. ini hanyala cinta sepihak :).
3. H, SMAK-1 BPK. Aku suka dia tapi tidak bertahan lama, saat aku naek ke kelas 2 SMA, kita tidak lagi dekat, dia mengambil jurusan ekonomi, sedang aku biologi. Kita sempat dekat, hanya ... kejadian kecil saat sekelas berlibur ke Pangandaran, dia mengajak temanku untuk slowdance. Saat itu aku tidak suka lagi.
4. Ko B.
5. Ko Le
6. AP
7. HH
8. I L
9. P S
10. E
11. A S
12. AD
13. H F
14. H S

Terkadang, aku berpikir jauh berkilas kembali kebelakang.
Banyak hal2 yang kusyukuri telah ku lalui, walau ku tersandung dan jatuh berkali-kali,
Tapi aku berhasil bangun dengan tubuh yang makin lama terlihat tapak luka.
Mungkin ini lah jalan yang harus ku tempuh ...
Terur berjalan, walau kuseret seluruh tubuh ini.

kutetap berjalan :)

I just talked with reza, and He said Chero miss me.
He is wondering either he can go back with me again or not.
Chero, ... *sigh*
do you know I still love you?
I wish I can go back with you again,
but ... i can't ...
it's not because i don't love you, but ... after we broke up,
my conscience told me if I did wrong when i choose you as my life's partner.
Chero, I can't leave my family ... I've learned ... my family is important than anything else
They never leave me eventhough I did totaly bad to them, but you ...
you can leave me anytime you want ...
I'm sorry chero ...
I wish i can turn back time and nothing had happen to us, I might still with you
sorry my love ... but onething that i want to tell you ...
You will always in my heart, because you'r my first true love =)

Bu neng xiang, Bu gan wang ....

Dear God,
I'm tired ... tired with all of this burden, I know I can't quit from all this life,
I have to keep walking eventhough i don't know where am I going now,
I don't know which way that i have to go trough.
sometimes, i feel i don't usefull for being in this world, nobody need me, no task for me for being in this world,
all those thing just pass trough my life.
God, i know you have a plan for me, and I don't complain about that, but ... i just want to tell you, i almost run out of my energy to survive,
... would you add my strength ?

I don't have any idea what's going on with me now.
I feel free without hen, i know ... it's probably when i still together with him, I didn't understand what did he want, everything seems confused to me.
I don't even know what i have to do with him. i have to give more attantion to him, or i just bothering him.
but now, i don't have to worry anymore, i will not hurt him, i can on line and off line freely.
This might take just a short time, this is just my intermezo before i meet someone again, but now ...
i just want to free ... =)

I'm very very tired today, i just got home.
I was hang out in the lobby with ike, we just watched the cooking movie.
I kind of scare to go back to my apartment, i'm just afraid to open my computer and find out the truth of him
I don't know what is he thinking about me right now. even i don't feel really hurt, but i really want to forget about him as soon as i can.
I know he say hallo to me yesterday and this morning too, but it doesn't mean that he still love me.
It's ok with me ...
I think i just have to take some rest now without opening my msn.
He might be enjoying talk with his new girl friend now.

ok ... it's time to go to sleep ...
goodnight everyone :)

Dear Hen,
I really want to send this letter to you, but I just can't
Not because I'm afraid of being embressed myself, it's just because I do care about you.
I'm afraid I will ruin your dream with your new girlfriend.
I don't know how far you are with her rightnow,
I don't know how's your day over there,
I really want to know about you, I really want to know how'r you doing with your school.

I miss your funny face, I miss your laugh, but I have to put a side on this.
I know you will have a great life without me, so get your life there
It doesn't matter whom gonna be with you, you will have a great life.
I wish i can send this letter directly to you, but i just can't =)

I hope you'r doing ok right now.
take care,
sen

A flickering candle lights the night
Like a solemn wish in fading light
In my heart which burns so bright
The path it shines on yet unclear
Not knowing which way to steer
As the night moves on , an owl begins its mournful call
Images of forlorn past entwine the heart and tear it apart
Even as hope dawns to embrace me and vanquish my fright
I knew love had chanced upon me, like a 10,000 watt light !
Once again the soul quivers at the piteous heart's plight
For it senses that love has taken flight
I know not....should I follow after?
or hush my desires behind polite laughter?
Must I? should I... repress my passions? and why??
Storm of flaming desires transcends the rectitude... why?
Ask not so many questions "Why?", spread passions wing and let it fly
Let it soar high into the realms of unending joys
don't clip my wings...don't read me my rules...let me soar in virgin skies
quivering lips, drooping eyelids, heaving breaths, feel the ecstasy seeping deep within
As heated tentacles play upon molten wax
And the burning flame lights up the night.

I just want to take a rest
sometimes we don't have a choice
because we already make a choice
and we only have to understand why it happen.

We wouldn't enjoy the sunshine
If we never had the rain.
We wouldn't appreciate good health
If we never experienced pain.


If we never shed a teardrop
And always wore a smile,
We'd all get tired of laughing
After we had grinned awhile.



Everything is by comparison ...
Both the bitter and the sweet,
And it takes a bit of both of them
To make our lives complete.

He went to Arizona not to here, because there's a girl there ... =)

Dear God,
I don't know if this is all my wrong, is this the pay back from all i have done to others?
I always never reach the top, i always go down to the bottom.
They just like a dream for me.

He has a new lover =)

Today is the other day with more worse.
I sent him email, but he never sent the email back to me.
Today, I'm really tired to find a birthday present for him. I spent almost $100 but when i got home,
He didn't seem waiting for me. I didn't see him OL.
I tried to call him, but nobody pick up the phone, and I tried again one more time ... and finaly someone pick up the phone,
and it's him who picked up the phone.
His voice sound nervous and surpised. I know, He hidden something to me.
I can fell it when he lied to me. I can fell it when he try to avoid me.
It's ok for me. if he want turn become "a devil" to me, it's fine for me, I will not return it to you.

It's 12 AM now, I've been trying to sleep since 11 o'clock, but untill now I still awake,
This is happen again. =( my worry has destroy part of my rest.

and about him ... no matter what he will do to me ... i will still send his birthday present, because i don't want anything back from him,
This present is real from the bottom of my heart.
and any change that happen to him ... i accept =)
Night hen ...

Today is Monday. I love monday when the night come is come, I fell relax because the harders class has passed.
Hen is in Arizona right now, he looks really really happy in there eventhough he always complain about the temperature.
I know, Arizona is a hight temperature's city, but he looks alright. I don't know what's going on with him, and i don't want to make any guessing.
I know he needs something new, He needs something that can making him fell fun with it.
I don't want to force him about anything. If He enjoy to hang out or chat or email or talk with another woman, all are fine with me.

I know, every step is aint easy for me.
easy come easy go. I don't want to make any judgment to him.
He is just an ordinary people who has his will.
I have to let him go ... and finding what does he want. =)
is fine with me ... I'm fine ....
=)
at least I still have God who is never leaving me =)

My heart never stop jealous.
He got called yesterday, someone asked him to accompany her to buy a gift ...
and he looked want to hang out with this girl.
I don't know why he said yes to this girl, and he didn't tell me right a way,
untill today i had to start it to ask him first about today's date with that girl,
if he doesn't have any feeling, why he has to be afraid by telling me right the way?

I know, may be she is just a friend, but i can't stop thinking about what is he doing right now,
is he like that girl? or why does he say yes to accompany her?
I remember last time when the another japanese girl ask him to accompany her, he looks doesn't interested to her,
but at this time, without doubt he says yes!
and now, it's 3.45 PM, he went out at 1.13 PM.
He said it won't take long, but it's almost 3 hours. I don't know what should I do ...

God, why I always like this ... i know this is not good for me ...
but why ... I can't be like other people not to much thinking about this kind of situation,
Why i always refuse if someone ask me to go out especially guy.
I can't betray people who i love.
arrggggggggggg ....
why me? why me???
........................

it's 3.48 ... and he hasn't back home yet :(

Tuhan, aku terkadang lemah untuk bertanya hal-hal yang nyata ...
Aku nda bisa menginterogasi seseorang ...
entah apa yang baik untuk ku.

kalau dia memang bener nda ada apa2 nya, kenapa nda cerita dengan ku?
ntah lah ... lebih baik aku diam, seolah2 nda ada kejadian apa2 ..
ntah hal itu baik atau nda ... sudah lah ... lelah ....

apa yang ku dapat, ku pegang ... itu saja ...
ntah apa yang akan terjadi besok ...
tak ku pedulikan, yang ada hari ini ... biar lah hari ini ...
:)

Senin,
aku dan dia bisa di katakan berjalan lurus.
Hanya terkadang, aku ragu dengan kecuekan dia terhadap masalah2 yang aku hadapi.
Yah, aku tahu dia mungkin sedang libur sekarang2 ini, dia sibuk dengan game2 yang dia sedang mainkan.
Aku juga tidak bisa menuntut banyak dari dia, aku tak ingin dia merasa tidak nyaman dengan kehadiran ku.

Sudahlah, aku tahu ... tak ada orang yang sempurna.
Aku hanya bisa sabar ... dan menunggu.
Mungkin perasaan yang kurasakan terjadi, karena perbedaan situasi.
dia yang sudah menjelang libur dengan aku yang masih sibuk2 sekolah.

Sudahlah ... ku coba untuk menyesuaikan dengan keadaan dia.
Saat mencintai seseorang, tidak mungkin kita menuntut mereka berubah sesuai dengan kemauan kita
tapi kitalah yang patut menyesuaikan diri dengan mereka,
yah ... mungkin itu lebih baik.

selamat malam, malam

nb:bete, nda isa registrasi

Hari ini, hari kamis.
ingat rasanya, waktu minggu kemaren di hari yang sama, aku terpuruk dalam kebingungan.
Hari ini sepertinya terjadi kembali kebingungan itu.
Entah mengapa aku mudah tergoyah :(
aku tidak ingin menjadi seseorang yang mudah terombang ambing.
aku tidak tahu, bagaimana terusannya antara aku dan dia ...

Tuhan, ajarkan lah agar aku bisa menjadi orang yang percaya ...
Terimakasih ...

amin.

ternyata, setelah aku telp ... dia lagi bobo :(

Hari ini, Hen kerjain aku. Siang hari, kita masih ngobrol, sore hari saat aku kirim email, dia masih balas, waktu aku pulang dari kelas,
tiba2 aku sapa dia, dia nda jawab, aku telp nda ada yang angkat ,... rasa nya saat itu aku nda tau musti ngapain lagi ... seolah2 hidup ku hilang,
rasa hangat yang ada kembali menjadi dingin ... dalam pikiranku kalut ... ntah apa yang harus aku kerjakan ...

aku coba telp ke dua kali nya, akhirnya dia angkat ...
hiks ... dia kerjain aku =(

saat ini aku cuman bisa terdiam ...
ku berpikir ... jika suatu saat aku benar2 kehilangan dia untuk yang ke dua kalinya
entah bagaimana aku bisa bertahan hidup?

Tuhan ... aku berserah ... segalanya ku serahkan
tak berbentuk, tak berasa, tak ternilai ...
segalanya muncul dan hilang tak terasa,
ku ingin satu yang ku dapat dalam hidupku ...
aku hanya ingin satu ... dan satu untuk selamanya ...

...
lepas satu ... *ILM*

Tuhan, terimakasih untuk hari yang cerah di hari ini.
Aku telah menemukan dirinya kembali,
Entah apakah diriku yang telah sembuh dari ketidak percayaan,
Tuhan, aku sungguh lelah mengarungi sejarah ini sendiri,
Aku membutuhkan seorang pegangan yang dapet membantuku bangun,
disaat aku jatuh, di saat aku tersesat, dan tentu juga di saatku bahagia.

Ingin ku temukan dia ...
Tuhan, perjalanan hidupku masih panjang ...
Tanpa bisa ku terka akhir nya ... ku coba untuk terus berjalan,
dan Tuhan, untuk hal carrerku, ku serahkan semuanya ini pun hanya padaMu.
Amin.

Ku coba untuk tidak mengeluh ...
Ku coba untuk terus berjalan ...

Ku ingat saat-saatku dahulu,
banyak rintangan yang telah ku lalui,
banyak hal hal yang telah ku pelajari,
jika saat itu aku bisa melalui nya,
mengapa saat ini ku tidak bisa?

aku tahu, aku bukan lah orang yang kuat,
ada saat nya aku rapuh,
ada saat nya aku jatuh,
yang ku bisa lakukan saat ini adalah bertahan sekokoh mungkin
dan mencoba agar tidak jatuh ...

inilah aku ...
sendiri ....

ada orang bilang "kalo kamu punya masalah besar dan kamu ga bisa mengungkapkan pada Tuhan,
coba kamu bilang ke masalah kalau kamu punya Tuhan yg besar"

Tuhan, mengapa aku menjadi begitu rapuh
Tuhan, mengapa aku menjadi begitu mudah terombang ambing,
Bukan ini yang aku ingingkan ... sungguh Tuhan .... bukan ....
Maafkan aku atas segala keluh kesah ku selama ini.

Terimakasih Tuhan atas teman yang telah kau berikan untuku.
Terimakasih atas segala kisah yang kau bagian untuk aku.

Tuhan ..., hari ini aku bersimpuh di hadapanMu sekali lagi
tuk meminta segala kekuatanMu,
tuk meminta maaf atas segala kekhawatiranku,
Maafkan aku Tuhan ....

aku sungguh percaya atas kuasaMu.
amin.

Hari ini .. ku tak banyak bicara dengannya ...
Entah ada apa dengan diri nya?
Semenjak kemaren malam, dia berubah ...

sudahlah ... aku tak ingin berasumsi lagi,
aku lelah ...
aku tak marah pada siapa pun ...
aku hanya seorang yang butuh seorang teman,
yang bisa berbagi segalanya dengan seluruh perasaanku.

Tuhan ... apa lagi yang kan terjadi ?
sudahlah ... apapun yang terjadi ...
aku pun tak bisa menjadi atas segala keinginanku ..
segala sesuatu sudah ada jalannya ...

sudahlah ....
Entah ... kapan aku bisa keluar dari segala kesedihan ini ...
... ... ...

Aku dan dia mencoba untuk tetap menyayangi,
Walau bukan sebagai seorang kekasih,

Aku coba untuk jujur terhadap perasaanku,
Saat ku lemah, saat ku kuat dan saat ku rindu,

Aku tak tahu kelanjutan yang seperti apa yang akan datang,
Ku hanya bisa berharap Miracle yang terjadi dalam hidup ku

Ku serahkan semuanya hanya pada Mu, Tuhan
Amin.

Aku memulai menjalin hubunganku kembali dengan Hen.
Ku coba untuk berlaku seperti biasa nya, ternyata hal ini lebih melegakan hatiku.
Ku coba untuk jujur terhadap diri ku sendiri,
Saat ku ingin memperhatikannya, saat ku merindukan dirinya, ku coba untuk jujur,

Aku tak tahu hingga kapan aku bisa bertahan seperti ini,
Dan aku pun tak tahu hingga sejauh mana kita bisa berhubungan seperti ini.
Tuhan, aku sungguh tidak tahu apakah ini semuanya ada lah benar, atau salah.

Tuhan, aku sungguh berharap dan berdoa padamu,
agar segalanya jelas ada nya ...
Tuhan, aku juga berdoa untuk Internship yang aku coba untuk mendapatkannya ...
Tuhan aku percaya padaMu ...

Terimakasih Tuhan,
Amin.

Tuhan, aku hanya bisa memanggil namamu,
entah apa yang ku nanti kan ...
sebuah miracle atas hubungan ini?
entah apa yang aku tunggu ...

Entah apa yang ku inginkan ...
entah apa yang ku pikirkan
dan entah apa yang harus ku tanyakan ...
semakin hari, ku hilang segala kepercayaanku ...

semakin hari, ku semakin ragu terhadap diriku sendiri ...
entah lah ....
Tuhan, ....

sudahlah ... tak apa....
ku berjalan sambil kuseretkan kaki ku ...
lelah ....

I thought I got the A-Z but now I'm lost
And I don't know where I'm going', I don't know what I'm looking for
I'm all burnt out
There ain't that much I care about
And I know I'm missing something
I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore

I won't let it get to me
But I really miss you badly

I wish I knew how I'm gonna be happy without you
I don't know what I'm supposed to do
I thought I got it all mapped out but now I'm lost
In a world that ain't got you in I don't know what I'm living for
Hopeless without the only thing I cared about
Cos you've been my salvation in a place where there's no love anymore

-wish- light house family-

Aku masih sayang dia, hanya aku tak bisa lagi mencurahkan seluruh rasaku pada dirinya.
Aku tahu, dia juga mungkin masih ada sedikit rasa sayang kepadaku,
Tapi satu yang aku pertanyakan, mengapa dia tidak pernah berkata jujur kepadaku?
Saat dia pergi dengan temannya untuk berlibur, entah apa yang dia sembunyikan dariku,
aku sungguh sangat sedih ketika mengetahui dirinya menyembunyikan banyak hal dari ku.

Aku Tahu aku tidak mungkin lagi menuntut hal2 kejujuran lagi dari dia,
Sudahlah ... tak mengapa .... :)

Barusan ku lihat teman2 angkatanku banyak yang telah mencapai kesuksesan.
Ada sebagian yang bahkan telah menimang anak nya.
Aku disini, jalanku masih tak berujung, segalanya masih terkabur,
entah apa yang kucari disini, dan entah apa yang kan ku gapai disini.

Aku hanya seorang kecil yang mencoba menjalani hidup di tengah jalan yang penuh dengan terjalnya lereng dan bukit.
dan mungkin saat ku capai puncaknya, saat itu lah ku hembuskan nafas ku yang terakhir ....

aku lelah...
sungguh ...

-sen-

I'm just such a liar.
When i said, I'm not sad ... but the truth is I'm really sad.
When i said, We should be just a friend ... but the truth is I want it more than just a friend.
Now, i screw everything ... i don't even can talk with him anymore, but this is the consequency that i'm choose,
I know ... i'm drawning, i'm sad ... but everything has a time and a reason.

Look around wonder why
We can live a life that's never satisfied
Lonely hearts troubled minds
Looking for a way that we can never find
Many roads are ahead of us
With choices to be made
But life's just one of the games we play
There is no special way
Make the best of what's given you
everything will come in time
why deny yourself
don't just let life pass you by
like winter in July

Future dreams can never last
When you find yourself still living in the past
Keep moving on to higher ground
Looking for the way you thought could not be found
We may not know the reason why
We're born into this world
where a man only lives to die
His story left untold
Make the best of what's given you ..
everything will come in time
why deny yourself
don't just let life pass you by
Like winter in July.

kandas .... kembali ..... segalanya ......

selamat tinggal .......

What's life revealing
But base reality
Take it how you want to
Nothing comes for free
We go all round believing
In perfect harmony
Who tells us that's the right way?
Just open up and see
....

The Island ...

Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

-It's over-

Dear Hen,
I go sleep ... night hen ...
I'm sorry i should not make any conversation right now, not because i don't love you,
I'm still love you, but this is might be a good time for us to think more further about our relationship.
I hope you are studying now, I really hope you can get an A on your test.
Hen ... I'm sorry if i do this ...

love you,
sen

Semua ada saatnya,
Semua ada waktunya,
Ketika cinta itu datang, terkadang tak semudah waktu yang menentukan segalanya,
Tidak semudah membalikan telapak tangan,
Segalanya butuh pengorbanan,
Segalanya butuh pengertian dan perjuangan,
Tidak semudah kita memilah-milah pakaian,
Itulah saat Cinta datang, dan mengerogoti hati kita,
dan yang entah hingga kapan, cinta itu akan bersemai dalam hati dan tak lagi menjadi ulat yang membusuk,
dan aku ... entah jalan mana yang harus ku pilih?

-Rainny Midnight-

Run
Running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side

Me
I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
I'm so sorry that I'm falling
Help me up lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love

[Chorus:]
Running, running
As fast as we can
I really hope you make it
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running
Keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated

Be
Be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me
Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up

[Repeat chorus twice]

(The future)

-He send this song for me, i don't know this gonna everlasting or only for today ... my day is unpredictable .....-

Dear hen,
Hen, sen cuman rasa ... semakin hari ... hen semakin dingin ... entah apa ini hanya feeling yang sen buat2 atau gimana?
Sen ngerti, mungkin sen nda berhak lagi untuk meminta sebuah perhatian lagi dari Hen semenjak commitment terakhir yang sen buat.
Walau sen masih bingung, apa yang harus sen lakukan, dan apa status sen saat ini.

Hen hen, kalau memang hen sedang berusaha untuk menuruti kehendak ortu hen, sen mengerti ...
Dan sen nda akan menuntut apa2 dari hen ..., Sen nda akan ganggu hen lagi ... dan sen sekarang udah coba untuk lebih tegar,
Mungkin memang kita bukan berjodoh ....

love,
sen

(surat yang tak pernah ku kirim, ku biarkan melapuk dalam hatiku)

Tuhan, kali ini aku datang padamu bukan untuk mengeluh
Bukan juga untuk berkelu kesah ...
Aku hanya minta satu ...
kepastian masa depanku, aku tidak ingin menjadi seperti essau,
aku tidak meminta sesuatu yang belum saatnya menjadi miliku,
aku hanya lelah .....

maafkan aku Tuhan ... aku sungguh bukan maksud meminta hak sulung sebelum waktunya =(
maafkan aku .....
berilah segala kekuatan Tuhan .....
aku percaya hanya padaMu saja,

-Amin-

angin itu terus berhembus
bergumpal tebal di langit kelabu
seolah bergumul tanpa henti

...

Seorang pahlawan yang terjatuh lelah ke tanah,
Mukanya sudah tak karuan, bercampur tanah,
nafasnya terengah-engah, terburu-buru dalam tanya,
pandangannya mulai tersamar, tak lagi jelas,

Tak tahu apa yang ada di depan nya,
hanya jalan terus yang dia tahu,
tangannya di kepal kedepan,
mencoba meraih segala yang bisa di raih

tak lagi tahu pahlawan itu berjuang untuk siapa,
ketika pedang di cabutnya, ...
hanya sayatan membabi buta yang dia buat,
hanya angin yang dia sayat sayat ....

dan entah hingga kapan, mata hatinya bisa melihat kembali ...

-kepadaku-

May be I'm not suppossed to be hoping so much
I should try to forget him a little by a little,
He is not the one for me,
I will try ...

God, I don't know what i have supposed to do?

My Dear Hen,
I want to tell you how much I miss you, but everything is not that simple, the real fact is not in my side.
Everything just blur, I don't even think this gonna work out.
He has his own life, with his gracefull mother and I ... just sitting alone in my room, with nobody excactly know and care my situation.
Including him, he is busy with his family and school. I know, i can't force him to do something for me.
I'm just met him excactly two months ago, and that's a pretty short term to know each other.
but, it's just me want to take the risk.

I know we both are confuse, He loves me and I love him.
but the fact is against us.
I don't know how long we can keep this relationship.
I'm just wish, this will end up with a happy ending story, but if not ....
yeah ... it's mean i have to live one more time in a dark hole ...
I hope this is not gonna happen ....
I have to sleep now ... i'm really tired ....
Nite ......................

Tuhanku .... aku hari ini datang kembali padamu
Ah, mengapa hanya keluhan selalu yang ku punya,
Mengapa aku tak pernah bersikap manis padaMu?

Tuhan, aku sungguh tidak tahu jalan mana yang harus ku tempuh,
semuanya sungguh membingungkan,
Tuhan, aku tidak ingin menjadi anak yang selalu mengeluh

Aku berterimakasih untuk segala kesempatan yang telah Engkau berikan,
Walau terkadang semuanya berakhir tidak seperti yang aku harapkan,
tapi setidaknya ... engkau telah mengajarkan aku hari demi hari,

Tuhan, tolong lah dalam kehidupan aku ini,
Aku tak ingin membuat satu orangpun bersedih karena aku,
Bila memang hal itu harus terjadi, mungkin aku yang harus menanggunya,

Tuhan, aku sungguh tak tahu lagi jalan mana yang harus ku tempuh,
kuatkanlah aku Tuhan.... karena hari esok masih panjang ...
Terimakasih Tuhanku ....

-amin-

Hari ini, entah mengapa, aku merasa sangat lelah ...
ingin rasanya kurebahkan tubuhku di atas ranjangku yang nyaman,
Berselimutkan kenyamanan dalam kain biru tebal,

Ku tak dapat berpikir sejenak, semuanya seolah2 membiru, membeku ....
Tak ingat lagi apa kerutinanku dalam bekerja,
Ku hanya ingin beristirahat sejenak, dan mendapatkan segala kenyakinanku kembali,

Apa yang harus ku lakukan?
Arah mana yang harus ku tuju?
Aku lelah ... Tuhanku ..... aku lelah ......

I miss you so much.
Miss the time we can laugh together, the time we can share, the time we can feel together
Your situation is different now, i can't blame it ..
I sing without you ....
I sing without you ... can you hold my tears, cause still I love you ....

Tuhan ku ...
Terimakasih atas segala pelajaran yang telah engkau berikan hari ini,
Maafkan sifatku yang terkadang ingin mencoba kesabaranmu,
Terlalu banyak hal-hal yang telah aku perbuat dan membuatmu tak segan-segan untuk memukulku

Yah, hanya Engkau dan aku yang tahu segala kehidupanku pribadi
Segala hal yang telah kuperbuat mengecewakanMu,
Tuhan ... maafkanlah aku ... aku sungguh tak ingin selamanya dalam bayangan kegelapan ini
angkatlah aku Tuhan ... aku kan bertobat tuk selamanya ...

Tuhan ... malam ini ... ku bersimpuh di kakimu
Datang tuk meminta segala ampun atas dosa2 yang pernah ku perbuat
Baik yang sengaja, atau pun yang tidak ku sengaja.
Tuhan ... aku kan belajar ... yah ... aku akan belajar menuruti segala perintahMu,

Aku tahu, tidaklah mudah ...
tapi akan ku coba ... akan kucoba ....
Apapun yang akan terjadi terhadap diriku selanjutnya ...
Ku serahkan padaMu saja.

Amin

aku hanya tinggal menunggu waktu
saat ku harus mengulang segala kisah yang lalu
ku hanya mencoba untuk menikmatinya selagi bisa
yang suatu saat harus kulepaskan ...

dan kembali ku terpuruk ...
selamat malam kisahku ...
tetap lah tabahkan ...
belum saatnya tuk ceria ...

yah ... belum saatnya ...
selamat malam ...
ku kan tidur ... dan berharap tak terbangun dengan air mata
andaikan ku memang harus berair mata,

ku hanya berharap bisa tertidur selamanya berair mata ... tanpa bisa merasakan rasa ...
yah ... belum saatnya ...
belum ...
saatnya ....

-malam-

terulang .... segalanya .... kembali .....
terlepas satu kegelapan, kembali dalam kegelapan
segalanya terulang ...

mungkin ku mudah tuk mengatakan
tapi tak semudah saat ku jalani ...
sungguh, tak ingin ku melepaskan dirimu

tak ada secuil pemikiran tuk melupakan dirimu
entah apa yang aku harus lakukan sekarang
entah ... sungguh entah .....

sudahlah .... aku pun tak tahu ....
ku hanya membisikan satu ...
ia ... aku tetap menyayangi mu ...

-sen-

Hari menjelang malam,
ku terkulai dalam ruang kamar kerjaku,
dan disitu pula ku berbaring dalam segala cerita

ku coba tuk meraih
ku coba tuk melupakan
ku coba tuk berkata
tapi semua nya tak pernah ku mengerti

sekian lama ku tunggu
entah apa yang kan terjadi dimasa ku nanti
apa yang akan ku gapai?
apa yang akan ku raih?

terkadang ku lelah ... ku tak sanggup lagi melangkah
tapi ku tahu, masaku belum tiba
masi banyak hal yang harus ku lalui
masih banyak seluk beluk yang harus ke lewati

kapankah waktuku ....?
lelah ku dalam semua permainan ini ....

*di dalam ketidak berdaya*

Semua nya telah selesai
Kau, aku dan dia ...
ku tak berani menduga awal dan akhir nya
biarkan lah segalanya berjalan ...

aku cinta dia ...
dan hanya itu yang ku mau
terima kasih untuk cintamu ...

love you hen ...

Di antara yang terapuh, aku lah yang terapuh
Di antara yang tergenang, aku lah yang tenggelam
Di antara kejauhan, aku lah yang tersamar

Semuanya buram, terhalang waktu
Semuanya bimbang, terbatas jarak
dan semuanya hanyalah tulisan ...

entah ku tulis untuk siapa ...

Dan ku coba terus berjalan
Menyusuri segala takdir
Mencari segala bentuk

Kejujuran dan ketulusan
Dimanakah itu letaknya ... ?

Terkadang, kita memang tidak layak untuk membandingkan antara satu kisah dengan kisah lainnya.
apa lagi antara satu insan dengan insan yang lainnya.
Memang sulit menemukan seseorang yang memiliki kepribadian yang sama
dan terkadang kita pun terburu-buru dalam mengambil kesimpulan, baik nya kalau kesimpulan itu benar adanya,
tapi saat kita menilai sesuatu salah, nilai itu akan berbalik menyerang kesalahan kita dalam mengambil sebuah keputusan.

Aku memang bukan orang yang sempurna, banyak hal-hal yang selalu kulakukan kesalahan
Terutama dalam menjudge seseorang ...
Banyak kenangan masa lalu yang membuat ku bertambah sadar, dan alangkah baiknya bila aku bertambah sabar,
yah, mungkin jarang di antara kita sabar dalam menunggu sesuatu ...
Tapi, akan ku coba untuk lebih sabar ... dan menahan segala penilaian yang buruh terhadap orang lain
Menolong orang yang walau mereka telah melakukan kejahatan terhadap ku ....

Tolonglah aku Tuhan untuk menjalankan ini semua, karena aku tahu ... aku rapuh tanpa-Mu, Amin

It's good to remember,
But sometimes it is good to forget
And goes on ....