Ingin rasanya ku tulis semua lembaran orang2 yang pernah ku lalui :

1. W, Pria pertama yang pernah kucintai. Saat itu aku duduk di kelas 6 SD. Entah, apa ini yang di sebut cinta atau hanya seorang anak SD yang ingin mempunyai penggemar :). Entah, sekarang dia ada dimana, terakhir ku bertemu saat ku memetik bunga di pekarangan tetangga, dan dia ada disana. Aku dan dia lost contact saat kita SMP. Aku masuk SMPK-6 BPK, sedang dia SMPK Trimulia.
2. S, Pria yang tidak pernah kudapatkan, saat aku duduk di bangku SMP aku suka dia, tapi entah mengapa aku bisa suka dengan dia. ini hanyala cinta sepihak :).
3. H, SMAK-1 BPK. Aku suka dia tapi tidak bertahan lama, saat aku naek ke kelas 2 SMA, kita tidak lagi dekat, dia mengambil jurusan ekonomi, sedang aku biologi. Kita sempat dekat, hanya ... kejadian kecil saat sekelas berlibur ke Pangandaran, dia mengajak temanku untuk slowdance. Saat itu aku tidak suka lagi.
4. Ko B.
5. Ko Le
6. AP
7. HH
8. I L
9. P S
10. E
11. A S
12. AD
13. H F
14. H S

Terkadang, aku berpikir jauh berkilas kembali kebelakang.
Banyak hal2 yang kusyukuri telah ku lalui, walau ku tersandung dan jatuh berkali-kali,
Tapi aku berhasil bangun dengan tubuh yang makin lama terlihat tapak luka.
Mungkin ini lah jalan yang harus ku tempuh ...
Terur berjalan, walau kuseret seluruh tubuh ini.

kutetap berjalan :)

I just talked with reza, and He said Chero miss me.
He is wondering either he can go back with me again or not.
Chero, ... *sigh*
do you know I still love you?
I wish I can go back with you again,
but ... i can't ...
it's not because i don't love you, but ... after we broke up,
my conscience told me if I did wrong when i choose you as my life's partner.
Chero, I can't leave my family ... I've learned ... my family is important than anything else
They never leave me eventhough I did totaly bad to them, but you ...
you can leave me anytime you want ...
I'm sorry chero ...
I wish i can turn back time and nothing had happen to us, I might still with you
sorry my love ... but onething that i want to tell you ...
You will always in my heart, because you'r my first true love =)

Bu neng xiang, Bu gan wang ....

Dear God,
I'm tired ... tired with all of this burden, I know I can't quit from all this life,
I have to keep walking eventhough i don't know where am I going now,
I don't know which way that i have to go trough.
sometimes, i feel i don't usefull for being in this world, nobody need me, no task for me for being in this world,
all those thing just pass trough my life.
God, i know you have a plan for me, and I don't complain about that, but ... i just want to tell you, i almost run out of my energy to survive,
... would you add my strength ?

I don't have any idea what's going on with me now.
I feel free without hen, i know ... it's probably when i still together with him, I didn't understand what did he want, everything seems confused to me.
I don't even know what i have to do with him. i have to give more attantion to him, or i just bothering him.
but now, i don't have to worry anymore, i will not hurt him, i can on line and off line freely.
This might take just a short time, this is just my intermezo before i meet someone again, but now ...
i just want to free ... =)

I'm very very tired today, i just got home.
I was hang out in the lobby with ike, we just watched the cooking movie.
I kind of scare to go back to my apartment, i'm just afraid to open my computer and find out the truth of him
I don't know what is he thinking about me right now. even i don't feel really hurt, but i really want to forget about him as soon as i can.
I know he say hallo to me yesterday and this morning too, but it doesn't mean that he still love me.
It's ok with me ...
I think i just have to take some rest now without opening my msn.
He might be enjoying talk with his new girl friend now.

ok ... it's time to go to sleep ...
goodnight everyone :)

Dear Hen,
I really want to send this letter to you, but I just can't
Not because I'm afraid of being embressed myself, it's just because I do care about you.
I'm afraid I will ruin your dream with your new girlfriend.
I don't know how far you are with her rightnow,
I don't know how's your day over there,
I really want to know about you, I really want to know how'r you doing with your school.

I miss your funny face, I miss your laugh, but I have to put a side on this.
I know you will have a great life without me, so get your life there
It doesn't matter whom gonna be with you, you will have a great life.
I wish i can send this letter directly to you, but i just can't =)

I hope you'r doing ok right now.
take care,
sen

A flickering candle lights the night
Like a solemn wish in fading light
In my heart which burns so bright
The path it shines on yet unclear
Not knowing which way to steer
As the night moves on , an owl begins its mournful call
Images of forlorn past entwine the heart and tear it apart
Even as hope dawns to embrace me and vanquish my fright
I knew love had chanced upon me, like a 10,000 watt light !
Once again the soul quivers at the piteous heart's plight
For it senses that love has taken flight
I know not....should I follow after?
or hush my desires behind polite laughter?
Must I? should I... repress my passions? and why??
Storm of flaming desires transcends the rectitude... why?
Ask not so many questions "Why?", spread passions wing and let it fly
Let it soar high into the realms of unending joys
don't clip my wings...don't read me my rules...let me soar in virgin skies
quivering lips, drooping eyelids, heaving breaths, feel the ecstasy seeping deep within
As heated tentacles play upon molten wax
And the burning flame lights up the night.

I just want to take a rest
sometimes we don't have a choice
because we already make a choice
and we only have to understand why it happen.

We wouldn't enjoy the sunshine
If we never had the rain.
We wouldn't appreciate good health
If we never experienced pain.


If we never shed a teardrop
And always wore a smile,
We'd all get tired of laughing
After we had grinned awhile.



Everything is by comparison ...
Both the bitter and the sweet,
And it takes a bit of both of them
To make our lives complete.

He went to Arizona not to here, because there's a girl there ... =)

Dear God,
I don't know if this is all my wrong, is this the pay back from all i have done to others?
I always never reach the top, i always go down to the bottom.
They just like a dream for me.

He has a new lover =)

Today is the other day with more worse.
I sent him email, but he never sent the email back to me.
Today, I'm really tired to find a birthday present for him. I spent almost $100 but when i got home,
He didn't seem waiting for me. I didn't see him OL.
I tried to call him, but nobody pick up the phone, and I tried again one more time ... and finaly someone pick up the phone,
and it's him who picked up the phone.
His voice sound nervous and surpised. I know, He hidden something to me.
I can fell it when he lied to me. I can fell it when he try to avoid me.
It's ok for me. if he want turn become "a devil" to me, it's fine for me, I will not return it to you.

It's 12 AM now, I've been trying to sleep since 11 o'clock, but untill now I still awake,
This is happen again. =( my worry has destroy part of my rest.

and about him ... no matter what he will do to me ... i will still send his birthday present, because i don't want anything back from him,
This present is real from the bottom of my heart.
and any change that happen to him ... i accept =)
Night hen ...

Today is Monday. I love monday when the night come is come, I fell relax because the harders class has passed.
Hen is in Arizona right now, he looks really really happy in there eventhough he always complain about the temperature.
I know, Arizona is a hight temperature's city, but he looks alright. I don't know what's going on with him, and i don't want to make any guessing.
I know he needs something new, He needs something that can making him fell fun with it.
I don't want to force him about anything. If He enjoy to hang out or chat or email or talk with another woman, all are fine with me.

I know, every step is aint easy for me.
easy come easy go. I don't want to make any judgment to him.
He is just an ordinary people who has his will.
I have to let him go ... and finding what does he want. =)
is fine with me ... I'm fine ....
=)
at least I still have God who is never leaving me =)